Friday, July 28, 2006

Gurlz R Dum

I admit it. Sometimes, females aren't the brightest human beings.
I think it's because we're mostly ruled by our emotions.

Now, I'm pretty level-headed, I think. I tend to have relationships like men do. I can make myself NOT get emotionally involved in someone if I feel like it's not going to end well.
However, when I do get my heart involved it's IN there for the long haul.

There are only two exboyfriends that I am NOT in regular contact with.
The rest of them are my good friends.
I don't know why this is. I don't believe I seek them out. Shit, most of the time I'm so pissed off at them that I would be happy to never speak to them again but it seems that each of them find it important to keep me in their lives. Maybe my shit is just that good, I don't know.
After a period of time, when the anger or hurt feelings subside, I enjoy having them as friends.
I like to know that they are doing well and what changes are going on in their lives.
Once I love someone, I feel connected with them for the rest of my life.

Having said all that, the most recent ex and I had a HUGE falling out a few months ago and I felt like being friends with him was actually hurting me more than never speaking to him again.
So, I gave him the ol' heavy ho via a very damaging email and it's been silent for 3 months or more.

Then, the other night I had a dream. I dreamt he died.
It was so real and so vivid that I was really upset even after I woke.
I thought about it all day. Why did I dream about him like this? Why can't I stop thinking about it?
Intellectually, I know that dreams don't predict the future but I coudn't stop thinking about him until I KNEW for a fact that he was still alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere.

I fought the urge, but I did it. I emailed the bastard.
I was friendly, yet, succinct. "You can tell me to fuck off but at least I'll know you're alive while doing it." was my last line.

He replied. I didn't get the "fuck off". Well, not in those words. I got one line: "Yes, I'm alive."
Which translates to: fuck off.
Trust me. Had I received an email like I sent him, I would be saying "fuck off" too.
I am not sure what I was expecting from him but I kind of wished I hadn't emailed him.
This is why being a girl sucks. We care. After everything that happens, we fucking care.