Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Important News in a Sad Life

Should I be concerned that my life is so small and sad that I actually became excited when I noticed this morning that Sonic is now serving Peach Iced Tea and Raspberry Iced Tea?

Or should I commend myself on still receiving pleasure from the little things in life?

It's the little things, man...the little things.

For Bibliophiles Only

I came across a website today that I've lost myself in:


LibraryThing is an online service to help people catalog their books easily. Because everyone catalogs together, you can also use LibraryThing to find people with similar libraries, get suggestions from people with your tastes and so forth.

If you MUST know...I have broken my New Year's resolution. I've read 3 books that aren't on my list. I'm ashamed...well...not really.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Homo Couture

It's obvious that my friend Tammy needs to get a job. I'm not sure what MY excuse is but we've come up with a great marketing idea...
Gay accessories for fag hags.
We'll call it Baby Phag. Move over Kimora Lee Simmons.

The idea started with an innocent IM conversation about an exboyfriend of hers who won't admit that he is INSANELY gay.
You may remember the Lint Brush incident.

I'll post the convo below...

Tammy: I went and hung out with toby
Tammy: toby is gay
Tammy: and I realized toby is not nearly as smart as I originally thought he was
Tammy: or he's getting ready to have a nervous breakdown
Tammy: he wants to move to Kentucky and learn how to play bluegrass music and live in the mountains
Tammy: secretly I think he's hoping to go there for some kind of "deliverance" fantasy.
Tammy: you know, to get the anal
De: he's losing it
De: that's seriously what happens to a person’s brain right before it explodes
De: you are SO his fag hag...that's awesome
Tammy: it's fun!
Tammy: I didn't even have to shave
Tammy: he had good wine
Tammy: candles
Tammy: no pressure for sex
De: Yes!
De: that's what I want
De: I want to never have to shave my legs yet have a decent male around for attention
Tammy: but make sure yours isn't crazy
Tammy: that's a whole other ball of wax
De: well yeah....I don't want my gay going to Kentucky for Blue Grass or creepy mountain sex
Tammy: I’m so terrible. Instead of being supportive of this stupid decision I mock it because it's stupid
Tammy: I couldn't just say "that sounds great"
Tammy: I’m a selfish hag
De: umm...you'd be a horrible hag if you supported his decision to do things because his brain is going to explode any day now
De: oh my god! I've got it...
De: I know why he wants to go to Kentucky
De: the state abbreviation is KY
Tammy: lmao!
De: that's IT
Tammy: you are a motherfucking genius
Tammy: seriously
Tammy: :-)
De: I know, right?
De: I've got the gays allll figured out
De: now I want one of my own
De: I swear I'll feed him and clothe him in Prada
Tammy: ooh, I wonder if baby phat makes a fag carrier?
Tammy: and charms, you can put charms on your fag!
De: omg I totally want a fag bag!
Tammy: dude, we gotta market this
Tammy: we could make millions
De: we could! Holy crap! Fag accessories
Tammy: fag could be the new dog or baby
De: Screw Kimora
Tammy: no thanks

Sunday, March 26, 2006

What I Really Want...

is to be young enough to dye my hair pink.

What I wouldn't give to have bright pink hair!
I'm far too old for this outrageous behavior and being a librarian makes it even more impossible but it's a nice fantasy.

Some people want to cure cancer or feed the hungry. I want to have hair like this: pinkhair.jpg

That's ok, isn't it?

Skippy Hates Texas

But he still loves me!

Skippy writes about this new practice of cracking down on drunkeness at bars in the Lone Star state.

Yes, ladies and gentleman. Not only is it wrong to smoke in bars but now it's wrong to get drunk in them.

Why the fuck would I go to a bar if I can't smoke and get unimaginably plastered?
What good is even going to a bar, then? Why not just stay home and suck on Boones Farm you bought at the local Kroger at 6 for a $1?

At least in a bar, I'm reasonably sure I'll keep my panties on and I won't have to clean up my own vomit.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

One Paper Crane

I've been restless lately. Not the can't-sit-still kind of restless but more like the what-direction-is-my-life-taking-me-lately.
I've sat here in front of my computer trying to compose something cute and funny for my blog and nothing's coming.

I had to work for a few hours today and the weather was so beautiful, I hated to be stuck indoors.
I thought this would be a perfect day to spend some time at the cemetary.
It's so peaceful there. I've started taking a notebook with me when I go because I think so clearly there.
I realized today that this is one of the only times I can be totally alone outdoors. I'm not sure I believe in spirits hanging around cemetaries but I get a good vibe there.

I must have sat there for a good thirty minutes before I looked around at some of the other graves. I realized that there were pieces of paper scattered around.
This is usually an immaculate place so I was surprised to see what I thought was trash.
I studied one of the pieces closest to me and realized that it wasn't trash, it was a paper crane.
There were paper cranes everywhere!
I followed the trail and realized they came from one grave. The headstone told me it was a 50 yr old man and judging by the cellos engraved in his stone, he was a musician.
The cranes were made with colored paper and sheet music.
They were beautiful.
I imagined the children or grandchildren of this man folding these cranes with loving precision and care and leaving them on his grave.

As I was leaving, I saw that the wind blew near my car a single paper crane lying on it's side.

I couldn't stop myself. I picked it up and took it with me. I'm not sure why...it just felt like the right thing to do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Short Attention Span Blogging

I'm not empty but picking just ONE thing to write about would prove impossible right now.

  • My dad's faithful dog/best friend died on Sunday.  It was heartbreaking.  He was a good dog and for 10 years, he and my dad were inseparable.  I hope dogs do, in fact, go to heaven.

  • I had a bit of a meltdown last night after realizing how overwhelmed I am by the responsibilities my family puts on me.  I think I've stopped living my life in order to help them with theirs.  Man, a therapist is going to have a fucking field day with me.

  • American Idol was great last night.  I was worried when I heard Barry Manilow and the 50's in the same sentence but most everyone pulled it out.  Chris freaking blew me away.  I've never been a fan of Johnny Cash's music but Chris gave I Walk the Line a new meaning for me.

  • After admitting that I am not a fan of Johnny Cash; screaming, followed by comments impugning my character and intelligence, was heaped upon me.  Assholes!

  • I am sleep deprived.  I might just either explode or fade away at any moment.

  • I had a moment of severe hysterical realization recently.  A 17yr old coworker asked me who Kurt Cobain was.  I was incredulous at first.  "How can you not know who Kurt Cobain is???"  But later, I thought, "She was only 5 when he died."  Which lead to, "She was born in 1989."  Which lead to, "I was a junior in highschool when she was born."  Which lead to the inevitable, "Mother of God.  When did I get this old?"

  • I'm usually in deep denial about my age.  My brain sometimes thinks I'm still 18.  I really don't have many adult responsibilities so I can fool myself into thinking I'm still young.  Then, I see my best friend since childhood who has houses and cars and children and husbands and stepchildren and bills, bills, bills and I think, "If SHE is an adult what does that make me.....?  Shit.

  • I think I'm addicted to Red Bull.  See the sleep deprivation bullet.

  • I'm listening right now to a woman telling another woman (very loudly) about how CPS was called to her house and how she was accused of being a drug addict and lost custody of her kids.  This is a classy joint, I tell ya.  I guess I should be thankful we don't have hobos taking baths in our restrooms like some of the other places.

  • People who call U.P.S., Ups, get on my nerves.  He's the U.P.S. man not the upsman.  Idiot.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Something in Comma

My mother works for a very large company and is in charge of their yearly blood drive.
Yesterday, she sent out a company-wide email with a heartwarming story of how someone's life was saved by people who donate their blood in hopes of guilting all these people into giving away a little of the very life that flows through their veins.
She got many positive responses and one employee helpfully sent her a email filled with ideas on how to get more people involved.
At the end of the email he wrote:
"Think big girl!"

Now, my mom read this as "Think, big girl!" and was a little perplexed and a little angry.  How dare he address her size!
She immediately wrote back and said, "Thank you for your suggestions.  And just what do you mean "big girl"???"

His sheepish reply was, "I am VERY sorry.  I meant, Think big, girl!  My English teacher always told me punctuation was important.  I see that she was right!"

This is a very important lesson, kids. 
A comma can mean the difference between life and death because I have no doubt that my southern mama would have wasted no time in finding that guy and whipping his ass if he was really calling her "big girl"!

Give the gift of life:  Punctuate!

Number 3

I can't believe I miss this every year!

On March 14, 2003, I posted my first blog entry.

And here I am, 3 years later....still as clueless and uninteresting as ever.

Oh, it's a happy day!

Happy Blogiversary to me!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Morning Glory

I talk to my friend, E, almost everyday.  We had a pretty intense relationship for about a year.  After we broke up, we somehow managed to stay friends and now 6 years, a marriage and two kids (for him) later we're still pretty close.

He's kind of a funny dude and he has a different little name for me every morning.
This way of greeting me went on for a really long time before I started logging them.

Sometimes, he doesn't msg me until mid-morning or early afternoon and I suspect he's been waiting that long for something new to pop into his head.

I was re-reading them this morning and they made me giggle a little.

I thought I would share them with you:

E-dawg:  Hey there squitchy!

E-dawg:  guten morgen

E-dawg: hey there you sexy piece of thang you

E-dawg: bon soir mademoiselle

E-dawg: hey there slippery joe

E-dawg: yo slick

E-dawg: hey there splendid

E-dawg: hey there slim

E-dawg: hey slinky

E-dawg: hang on sloopy, sloopy hang on

E-dawg: hey there slippery joe

E-dawg: good morning fellatious D

E-dawg: good morning, luscious librarian

E-dawg: hey there party panties

E-dawg: hey there waffle iron

E-dawg: hey fruity bloomers

E-dawg:  hey there peaches and cream

E-dawg:  morning, fluffy noodles

E-dawg: hey there squishy marmalade

E-dawg: good mornin bananas foster grant

E-dawg:  hey there frisky bottom

E-dawg:  hey there hot pockets

E-dawg:  hey there bouncy boobs

E-dawg:  hey there pumpkin butt (Halloween)

E-dawg:  good morning soupy pants

E-dawg:  hey there petunia panties

E-dawg:  good morning spanky pants

E-dawg:  good morning sticky fingers

E-dawg:  good morning strawberry shortcake

E-dawg:  good morning pinkie toe

E-dawg:  good morning blueberry muffin

E-dawg:  hey there cock a doodle doo

E-dawg:  hey there butter pants

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I Missed the Boat

Don't you find it odd that I totally blew off International Women's Day?
What does this mean?  Am I not a woman?  Do I not celebrate being a woman?
Look, don't get me wrong, I think being a woman is great.  I enjoy using my breasts to get a man's attention as much as the next gal but do we need a DAY?
What is a day going to get us?  Equal pay?  A free pass from menstrual cramps and child birth?  A day off?
I don't think so.

And while we're on the subject of days...
Why does everything get a "day" now?  We have National Peanut Day, International Sandwich Month, etc.  Now we just need a Grape Jelly Week and we'll have PB&Js!

What's next?  National Take a Crap Day?  International Trim Your Toenails Week?  The Great American Cry Yourself To Sleep Because You'll Never Find a Man and You'll Die Alone Month?

I can't wait.

American Idol

I don't know why I don't post about American Idol.  I guess I know a million other people are doing the same thing but I've been watching it from day one.
It's the only reality show I watch and one of only two shows I make sure to tune in to every week.
So, I think it's time I talked about my "little talent show" as a friend likes to call it.

Every Tuesday night, we all get together at Sister #2's house to watch.  We call it Coney Idolâ„¢ because last year, we decided to get together to watch it and the first couple of weeks, we fixed Coney Islands.
This year, we had Coney Islands a few times but that gets old real fast so even though we still call it Coney Idolâ„¢ we eat other things. 
This week:  Seafood cakes (made with shrimp, crab and spanish mackeral), asparagus, roasted potatoes and garlic bread.

My thoughts on last night:
The theme was Stevie Wonder.  They all had to choose a song from his vast catalog and even worked with him a little bit. 

Ace has the looks, the smile and a pretty good voice.  Last night...I was not impressed, however.

Who doesn't LOVE Kelly Pickler?  She's got this background story that will have you bawling for hours and she's SO cute, SO sincere, SO innocent and has a great voice.
It wasn't a great song choice for her.

Elliot is amazing.  His voice is pure, velvety...just lovely.  Bless his heart, though.  He doesn't have the looks but if you close your eyes and listen to him or even just LOOK into his eyes when he sings.  Amazing!

Bucky is a riot.  I love this guy.  He's the epitome of a country boy.  Last night, he let someone with a blow dryer fetish get a hold of his hair and that was a mistake.  I bet he won't be doing that next week.
He picked a great song for him.  It wasn't a great vocal but it was fun.  He's a good performer.

Oh Lord...what can I say about Kevin?  This kid is almost out of control.  What I liked about him at first was his innocence and his genuineness but either he's just having a good time or he's starting to believe the hype because he's getting a little obnoxious to me.  (I heard from someone in "the know" that he has a filthy mouth.  I kinda like that!)
His performance was not good.  His chicken walk had us hiding our faces in embarrassment for him.
He's got a good voice.  He would be GREAT for Broadway but not for American Idol.

Katharine is exquisite.  Her talent seems natural and effortless and the fact that she's beautiful doesn't hurt.
I wasn't crazy about the weird maternity dress she was wearing last night but her performance was really really good.

I like Melissa.  People are on the fence about her but she's got a great voice.  She just needs a little help with finding her place in the competition.  Is she rock?  Is she country?  What IS she?

Lisa has so much talent and poise for a 16 yr old girl.  I am amazed by her.  Her performance last night didn't do it for me even though that is a GREAT song....one of Stevie Wonder's best.

I don't get Paris.  She's talented and a possesses great showmanship (showwomanship?).  She's too much like Fantasia, though.  In my opinion, she's just not GREAT.

Mandisa.  MANDISA!  I can't get over her name.  MANDISA!  Her name is too big...it's just LARGE.
Anyway...LOVE Mandisa!  She's got the pipes.  She can get out there and tear it up and she's a joy to watch.

How can you not love Taylor?  Taylor is SO much fun.  He's talented, he's enthusiastic and I love his crazy dance moves.  It's like watching a person extremely pleased with their Tourette's.
His performance last night was great.

Saving the best for last:  Chris.
Ladies and Gentlemen:  I present to you, our next American Idol.
Chris is by far the BEST.  THE BEST.  He is already a star and I would buy his CD tomorrow.
His rendition of Higher Ground was unbelievable. 
A few weeks ago, he sang "Hemorrhage" by Fuel.  I love Fuel, so, I hate to say this but Chris sang it better.  He blew me away then and he continues to do it everyweek.

After this week, it's going to be hard picking who will go home.  They are all extremely talented.

So, I'm going make an early prediction of who will make it to the top two:
Chris and Katharine..............with Chris winning it all.

PS:  I learned from this week that it's not Stevie Wonder's songs that are so great.  What makes them so special is Stevie singing them.
So many of these talented contestants sang what I thought were great songs and they just didn't seem as magical as when they are sung by Stevie himself.

Monday, March 13, 2006

A Morbid To-Do List

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day.
She mentioned that she and her S.O. might be planning a cruise for next year.
She said that it's something she's always wanted to do before she dies; well that and go to Disney World.
Before she dies she wants to take a cruise and go to Disney World.  Those are easily attainable goals. 
This made me think, though.  What do I want to accomplish before I die?  There are many things I'd like to do but I never thought about it in the context of doing it before I died.
It makes a difference believe it or not.  It makes you think that we really don't have that much time.
I've said it many times that life is precarious, life is fleeting and most of the time you don't get a warning before it ends.  And as far as I know, when it ends, it ENDS.  I don't think we get second turns, however, I could be wrong. 
But just in case, I think we should live at full capacity.  Err on the side of caution, so to speak.

So, in keeping with this idea, I made a list of things I'd like to do before I die.
I reserve the right to delete or add as many things as I want.

Things To Do Before I Die:

  • Get thin

  • Go to the Oscars in a fabulous gown

  • Become a published author

  • Love without fear

  • Travel Europe

  • Live in other cities/states/countries

  • Meet my soulmate

  • Find out why and how my nephew died

  • Learn ballroom dancing

  • Go blonde or color my hair pink

  • Hang out with Dave Grohl

  • Shop (with lots of money) on Rodeo Drive

  • Vacation in Costa Rica

  • Own my own home

  • Learn to truly meditate and turn my brain off for at least a moment

  • Spend a month on the Greek Islands

  • Tell certain people how I really feel

Friday, March 10, 2006

Tool Time

I can't believe I haven't told you guys my Tim Allen story.
I was reminded of it late last night after a conversation with the tiny one himself.
Although, he wasn't impressed, it's always been one of my favorite stories.

Several years ago, my best friend, Lon, her sister-in-law, their cousin and I decided to have a girls night out at the movies.
We were WAY too early for the movie so we decided to hit a local bar and have a drink while we wait.
Of course, the movie never happened.  Once we started drinking, watching a movie seemed boring and less alcoholic.
Anyhow...this bar was one of those that are located inside of a hotel.  It had some stupid name like Pepper's or Banana's or Banana Pepper's or some shit like that.
There is a dance floor, a jukebox, a long bar along a mirrored wall and crazy colored disco lights everywhere.  This would have been a happenin' place had anyone been there.
We walked in like Carrie Bradshaw and the girls on a Saturday night but the only ones in the whole joint were a couple in a dark booth and a few men at the bar.
Because the bar was dark and there were colored lights flashing all over the place and due to the weirdness of the mirrored wall behind the bar, we couldn't tell if there were 4 guys, 8 guys or 20.
I don't remember really even noticing them at first anyway.  We just grabbed a table and ordered drinks.

Now, like I said, this was several years -and pounds- ago.  I was young and I was pretty hot at the time.  I was wearing this black mini skirt, black heels and a silk, multi-colored blouse.  The colors were jewel-tones and apparently, like small babies, men respond to bright colors because this blouse got me a lot of attention that night.

I'm sure I'm getting the sequence of events wrong and Lon, feel free to add what I might have left out in the comments, but this is sort of how I remember it:
I'm not sure what number drink we were on but the music was playing, we were laughing and giggling like girls do and the next thing I know, there is this man standing at our table.
He tells me that his friend thinks I'm attractive and would like to dance with me.
Believe it or not, I was a little shy and I'm sure I blushed and said "No thank you."
He kept pressing me, telling me his friend noticed me the moment I walked into the place because my top was so beautiful.  maybe he meant breasts?
He even said his friend would pick up our tab if I danced with him.
Now, if this happened today, my ass would have been out of my chair before he said "tab" but, again, I was young and I was starting to find this pretty creepy.
I think my friends were too but they were laughing their asses off, happy they weren't me.

Finally, I told the man that #1:  I wasn't going to dance with his friend on an empty dance floor and #2:  If the friend wanted to dance with me so bad, he could come ask me himself.

He went back to the bar and because we were all suddenly shy, we tried hard not to look in their direction.  We KNEW they were talking about us and we were a little self conscious by this time.

A little later, I found my way to the ladies room and one of the other guys from the bar coming out of the men's room.  He smiled and nodded at me then said, "You know, that really is a great blouse."
What the hell?  It's just a silk blouse!

I'm not sure how long we sat there drinking but eventually all the guys left and the waitress came up to our table.
"Girl, you blew it!  Totally BLEW it!"  she told me.
"Don't you know who that guy was that wanted to dance with you?"

We all shook our heads, we couldn't see the guys faces at the bar.

"It's the guy from that Home Improvement show.  Tim Allen!"

"Get out of here!  It was not!"  We all scoffed.

"He is filming some commercial around here.  He was going to buy all your drinks if you would have just danced with him.  But you blew it."
She kept saying "blew it" and it was starting to piss me off.
We didn't believe her anyway.

She left the table and returned a second later with his bar bill, signed....
Tim Allen.

Thursday, March 9, 2006


I'm in a funk, kids.
It's one of those my-life-sux-so-I'm-just-going-to-sit-here-and-eat-ice-cream funks.
It's not an existential funk where you think "what am I doing with my life?" or a bad mood funk where you hate everyone.
I just want to lay in bed and watch bad TV and Showgirls (shank!).
Oh sure, I'll get over it.  Funks never last.  That's something you learn with age.  Everything seems hopeless, worthless and shitty for a while; then the tides turn, the planets realign and things seem to be pretty good again.

Sometimes I think that's why really young people commit suicide.  They haven't yet learned that it's shitty for a while, then good for a while, then shitty again, then good again.  They feel like it's going to be shitty forever.

I guess that's the upside of getting old...it's ebb and flow baby; yin and yang, funk and nofunk.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

In Lieu of a Real Post...

I'm giving you a dreaded meme:

Fun with Four
Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Grocery store cashier
2. Retail clerk at Pfaltzgraff
3  Optometric Assistant
4. IT/Librarian

Four movies you would watch over and over:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. Showgirls
3. Selena
4. The Commitments

Four places you have lived:

1. Waynesboro, MS
4. Houston, TX

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. Seinfeld
2. Alias
3. Sex in the City
4. 24

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Las Vegas, Nv
2. All over California
3. Toronto
4. Key West, Fl

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Mine
2. Yahoo News
3. Yours
4. Overheard In New York

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Chocolate
2. Vietnamese
3. Buffalo Chicken Salad from Chili's
4. Hamburger Helper

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Greek Islands
2. French countryside
3. Tuscany
4. Cornwall, England

Friday, March 3, 2006

Hamburger Eyebrows

I normally get my eyebrows arched and waxed pretty often...I'd have huge Brooke Shield caterpillars on my head if I didn't.

I've been putting off going recently because I stopped having my nails done and the little ladies harrass me about it when I come in to have my eyebrows done.  This one particular chick is exceptionally good at it...better than anyone else so I still want to go see her but it's hard to explain to someone that doesn't speak English well that I bought a new car and had to do away with some excessive expenses.

So, my eyebrows are growing wild and even though I am a plucker, I thought I'd use this great little eyebrow shaper I've had for a few years.  It's basically a straight razor wrapped with wire on a stick.  However, like I said, I have had it for a few years and it was a little dull so I stopped into my local Walgreens to get a package of new ones.
They didn't have the kind I bought previously but they had something similar...these:  shaper.jpg

I get home and try them out. 
I try it on one eye and it seems awkward, like I can't get my hand in the right angle, so I move over to the other eye and try again.  After actually trying to shape the eyebrow, I realize that the razor doesn't look right.
I study it closely and realize that it's missing that wire wrapping that makes it safe.
It's just a plain ol' straight razor on a plastic stick.
I then look up at myself in the mirror...I was bleeding.  I was fucking BLEEDING!
BOTH eyebrows looked like Edward Scissorhands tried to apply my eyeshadow.
This dangerous weapon sliced my skin open and I couldn't tell until blood started seeping from the thin openings.

Now, I feel like the whole world is staring at me, wondering what the fuck happened to my face.
It hurts to blink and God help me if I have to be cute and do facial expression.  Just one movement of the eyebrow is monumentally painful.

It wasn't until the next day that I looked this product up on the internet and read reviews from other women who butchered their eyebrows with this tool of destruction.
I thought about throwing them away as soon as I got home but I thought better of it.
If ever I'm attacked by ninjas, I now have a useful weapon.

Happy Birthday Skippy...

a little late.
Yesterday was skippy's birthday.  I'm ashamed at myself for missing it.
Skippy deserves better than that.
When I'm feeling blue, I head over to skippy's house to read about how he thinks of me (among others) while he pleasures himself.  What girl wouldn't swoon?
Thanks for including me in your fantasies, skippy.
Happy Birthday!

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Summer Teeth

Yesterday, a good looking gentleman found his way into my work area.
He picked a book up from my desk and asked if he could look at it.
I thought it was rather presumptuous to take something off my desk but I smiled and nodded.  I was busy helping someone anyway.
He sat right across from my desk and read MY book for about 30 minutes.

Finally, he asked if he could buy the book.  I said, "It's not for sale.  It's actually my book."

"So, I guess you want to keep it?"

I lifted my eyebrows and said "Well, I don't know.  Maybe we can negotiate."   See, the flirting?  It's just instinctive, involuntary.  I don't know I'm doing it til it's out of my mouth.
For this guy, it was like I was waving him in.

He got out of his chair, walked over to me, knelt down so we were at eye level and he started talking.
Now, up to this moment, I thought he was a good looking guy; a little older but I've always had a thing for older men.

But when he got close to me, when he opened his mouth...well...that was a deal-breaker.
His teeth were FUCKED UP.
The ones that were still around were various shades of grey.

I didn't hear a word this dude said.  I kept looking at him, damning his teeth!
Damn!  I could have SO totally gone for him but for the teeth...god.
If you have bad teeth, I sincerely apologize but there is NO way in hell I could ever imagine myself kissing someone with a grill like that.

A single girl in her 30s starts to lower her standards sometimes.  I actually looked at him for a moment and thought, who needs to kiss?  Maybe we could have a relationship where we just don't kiss.
My internal dialogue went something like this:

Kissing isn't that important is it?  I mean sure, kissing is great, it's passionate, it's great for kindling the fire but that only lasts, what...a year?  How many couples who are together for years still kiss like they were teenagers on their parents' couch?
Ok, so maybe I could live without the kissing.
But he would have to talk.  I can see the teeth when he talks.  How could I look at that, day after day?
How could I face my family and friends after THEY saw it?  They would take one look at this teeth and think, "And she KISSES him?".
I would then have to explain, "Oh, no, it's ok.  See, we're not kissing!  We have a STRICT no kissing policy!"
I might as well wear a t-shirt everywhere we go, "I'm not kissing him" with an arrow pointing to my left or right.

I couldn't do it.  Besides the kissing, how does someone let their teeth get like that?
Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's a disease but there are dentist who can work wonders.

Just look what they did for Hilary Duff!