Thursday, March 29, 2007

Partly Crappy with a 20% Chance of Rain

I had my Doppler done yesterday. Now, I can predict the weather within 5 days. (It will be a wet weekend)

While the technician was rubbing me down with something that felt oddly like that K-Y Warming Gel, I was telling him how I had worked myself into such a state of fear over the possibility of having a blood clot that my blood pressure was unbelievably high.
He chuckled and said, "I can tell you right now, you're fine. If I had seen anything, I wouldn't let you leave. So stop stressing."

I let out a shaky laugh, obviously relieved and said "I am officially not stressed."

But...what now?

Last night, my symptoms started getting worse and now it's in the left leg, right arm and my back.

I had another appointment today and the doctor noticed my skin was red and splotchy and I was running fever.
I didn't think to mention to her my scratchy throat and sore ears. I thought I was trying to come down with a cold on top of all of this but she asked me if I had a sore throat and if my ears ached.
I did and they did. I was also running a fever.
Good news: My blood pressure was awesome!

Now, they're testing me for multiple types of viruses.
Great. The gigantic germaphobe might have a virus.

I've only worked one day so far this week but I plan on going back tomorrow to test the waters. I told my boss that I'll give it a try but if I start hurting too bad, I will go home.
It's not like I'll be missing anything anyway...I can surf for porn at home, too.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Nothing that a lap dance won't cure

Right after my cruise, I noticed my right ankle and foot were swollen. I didn't think much of it, I had eaten the richest of foods all weekend long and walked flights and flights of stairs, after all.

The swelling went down a few days later but I continued to have a little ache in my ankle and foot but didn't really pay much attention to it.

This weekend, the ache got worse. I spent most of Saturday on my feet, walking and by Saturday night, I was in pain and I had strange sensations in my calf.
I can't really describe them well enough but it's like my calf muscle would just start to cramp and then stop. Then I would have shooting pains in my foot. Then I would have twitches and pain in other parts of my calf.
I didn't sleep well that night because I constantly felt like I had to move my leg.

Sunday night was the same, only worse. By Monday morning, I decided to go to the doctor.
By the time I went to my appointment, I had convinced myself that I had a blood clot.
My mother suffers from severe DVT and it's only natural that I receive that wonderful gene from her, right?

From Sunday night to Monday afternoon, I had worked myself up into a state of fear. On the outside, I seemed normal but inside I was freaking out.
If I had a blood clot, I'd be put into the hospital immediately...that is if the clot didn't break off and go to my lungs or heart.

About an hour before my appointment, I started having pains in my back and it hurt to take a deep breath. I kept imagining the future with blood clots and DVT. I've seen it with my mother and it's a scary future.
I would try to take deep meditation breaths but my back and chest would hurt and that would remind me that I was dying and I would panic a little again.

When I got to the dr's office, my blood pressure was sky high. It shocked the nurse because my blood pressure had always been so good.
She took my hand to check my pulse and my palms were damp and clammy.
My pulse was erratic and I finally admitted that I was completely freaking out.

The doctor, with her sweet disposition tried to calm me down and reassure me but I heard her outside the door order the nurse to get me an appointment for a Doppler ultrasound ASAP.

The nurse rushed in and told me she was taking me to the referral department. I heard her tell the referral clerk that I needed a Doppler ASAP.
I heard the clerk call the hospital and tell them I needed to get in ASAP.
Then she came to me and said that I could go home but she would call me before 5 and tell me when to go get the ASAP Doppler.
She did call. My appointment is Wednesday.
Is that ASAP? I mean, I'm no medical professional but I always thought ASAP stood for As Soon As Possible.
Maybe ASAP is Latin for "Whenever we damn well feel like it." or "We're just waiting for you to die so we don't have to spend that much money on frivolous testing."

If it were my insurance company scheduling the appointment, I'd go with the latter.

I'm a little more calm today. Last night, I took some Advil and amazingly, it made my leg feel better. That's a sign that it's probably not a blood clot.
Then I made myself a nice cup of tea and put in my favorite DVD that I watch when I'm depressed, stressed or scared; Showgirls.

There is something about gratuitous nudity and really bad acting that truly heals the soul.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Four Years

I did it again. I forgot my anniversary.
I've been blogging for 4 years. Can you believe it.

I know, I have sucked lately (and not in a good way). I've just been a little blank and I've felt that way in all aspects of my life, not just blogging.
I'm sure it will pass and I'll get back to writing senseless crap for your enjoyment.

Until then...
Happy Blogiversary to me!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I Miss the Indians....

Remember when we started outsourcing to India?
Now apparently, telemarketing has been outsourced to inmates and 12 yr olds.

My boss was answering the phones today when she got a sales call from some company trying to sell us personalized products.

She listened to his monologue for a few minutes, then politely told him "Thank you but we're not interested."
He gave her a hard time and wouldn't let her get off the phone so finally she hung up on him.
He immediately called back. "Why did you hang up on me?"
She couldn't believe it. "Because I'm working and I am not interested in what you're selling." She hung up again.

Immediately, the phone rings again. This time, he just presses random buttons everytime she tries to speak.
She hangs up.
About this time, I walk up and she's muttering about "sales guy", "harrassment", "idiot", etc.
The phone rings again so this time I pick it up.

Me: *insert business name*

Him: *beep beep beep*

Me: Hello?

Him: *beep beep beep*

I hear the sound of several people in the background and I'm picturing people in cubes harrassing other business workers.

Me to Boss: I hear him breathing

Him: *pant pant pant*

Me: Oh that's real nice, dude. Is this what you'd call professionalism?

Him, very slowly and menacing: Yessssss

Me: Listen. Take us off your call list and do NOT call back here again.

I hang up.

The phone rings immediately.

Me: *insert business name*

Him: *beep beep beep*

Me: Oh good. Keep on. My boss is on the other line with the police. Keep pushing those buttons.

He and I sit there quietly for a moment. Finally, I hang up.

Right away, the phone rings.

I pick it up without saying anything. He beeps.

I just sit there for about a minute then I say away from the phone but loud enough that he might hear it: How long did he say we had to record?

He quickly hangs up and hasn't called back.

Now, unfortunately, my boss can't remember the company name he used so reporting him is impossible.
He was blocking the call so caller ID would be useless.

But is this how telemarketing is conducted now?

"Buy our overpriced shit or we'll harrass you, give you wedgies, noogies and swirlies until you cry!"

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Oh right...the blog...

I've been back nearly a week but things were a little busy so I'm just now updating.

The cruise was great. The crew of the ship can't do enough for you. The stewards, the bartenders, the wait staff...they're all so nice! I got so use to that kind of treatment that I was a little shocked when I got back here and a waitress was not begging me to order her around.

As most people have heard, going on a cruise is all about eating.
Let me tell you how my days went:
Morning: Ordered breakfast in bed
Did stuff
Noon: Hit the lunch buffet which was bigger and more plentiful than you could ever imagine.
Did stuff
3:30: Tea time. White-coated waiters brought around choices of tea, little pots of water and tray after tray of finger sandwiches and pastries.
5:30: Sushi bar opened
8:00: Dinner in the dining room. This was the most lavish of all the dinners in the world.
I ate Beef Wellington, Chateaubriand, prime rib, lobster, filet mignon, escargot, etc...
I literally couldn't eat for two days after the cruise. I'm still not all together well, but it was SO worth it.

There were a ton of fun things to do on the ship and the waters of Cozumel were lovely.
I'm not a beach/sand/sun type of person but I can appreciate it from the comfort of the gigantic cruise ship.

The last night there, I did meet a the sushi line.
However, I got cock-blocked by my own mother.

The line was super long and the guy in front of me engaged me in conversation. We introduced ourselves, talked about sushi, fishing, boats, etc...
Then he asks if he can sit with me while we eat. Of course you can, I said.
Then suddenly, out of no where, my mother is at my elbow, shrieking:
"De! If we're going to meet the others on time, we have to leave now! YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SUSHI!!!"
Of course, the shrieking and the all-caps were in my head but that's how it seemed at the time.
I was so embarrassed that I couldn't really do more than mutter, "uhh...umm...sorry. See ya." and run away really fast.

Later, as a friend and I were in one of the many bar/clubs, he found me and sat at our table for a while. Luckily, the friend was savvy enough to find her way out after an acceptable amount of time.
Long story short: I got the digits.

Amazingly, I didn't end up with Norovirus, ebola, e-coli or any dreaded diseases.
As I was sliding my hand along the railing of the stairs, I realized how many other hands had done the same so I quickly found myself with my arms at my sides, walking like Molly Shannon on Seinfeld.
The public bathrooms had the most amazing inventions. On each door, there was a tissue dispenser. You pull out a tissue, use it to open the door, then toss it in the trash bin right next to the door.

I did everything I could to avoid getting harmful germs short of wearing a surgical mask.

I'm going to try it again next year. This time I won't eat for a week BEFORE the cruise. I need to make some room for all the food I missed.