My Daddy, the exotic dancer.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Career Day
Lon sent me the following joke. I'm sure some of you have seen it but if not...you can't miss it!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Piper
I picked Piper up from the vet last night. She seemed happy to see me because she wagged her tail when the doctor brought her into the room.
The doctor informed me that it became a rule in the clinic that no one was allowed to take Piper out of the kennel or out to potty but her.
Apparently, Piper didn't like anyone but the vet herself so now it's on her file.
It cracks me up that my 7lb dog has special handling instructions for the vet's office.
She is very sore and very scared. She didn't move around too much in the car and because she refused to eat at the clinic, she was starving and wolfed down some special prescription canned food when we got home.
After that, she limped into the bedroom and straight under the bed.
This is where Piper goes when she's scared. I imagine that the pain scares her so she retreats to her safe place.
The problem is that I can't get her out now.
She wouldn't come out from under the bed to go outside this morning but she DID use the bathroom on the potty pads I put all around the bed.
She snuck out from under the bed in the middle of the night and peed and pooped and ran right back under the bed. I don't mind. Having normal bodily functions is a good sign so she can pee and poop all she wants...on the pads hopefully!
This is the way Piper deals with issues so I just let her hide until she feels ready to come out.
The vet seems to think that once her incision heals, she'll be perfectly fine.
I'm very hopeful.
The doctor informed me that it became a rule in the clinic that no one was allowed to take Piper out of the kennel or out to potty but her.
Apparently, Piper didn't like anyone but the vet herself so now it's on her file.
It cracks me up that my 7lb dog has special handling instructions for the vet's office.
She is very sore and very scared. She didn't move around too much in the car and because she refused to eat at the clinic, she was starving and wolfed down some special prescription canned food when we got home.
After that, she limped into the bedroom and straight under the bed.
This is where Piper goes when she's scared. I imagine that the pain scares her so she retreats to her safe place.
The problem is that I can't get her out now.
She wouldn't come out from under the bed to go outside this morning but she DID use the bathroom on the potty pads I put all around the bed.
She snuck out from under the bed in the middle of the night and peed and pooped and ran right back under the bed. I don't mind. Having normal bodily functions is a good sign so she can pee and poop all she wants...on the pads hopefully!
This is the way Piper deals with issues so I just let her hide until she feels ready to come out.
The vet seems to think that once her incision heals, she'll be perfectly fine.
I'm very hopeful.
Madame President
So, yeah, I should weigh in on this Hilary Clinton running for president stuff.
I am all for having a female president. I think it would be great for our country. I think it would open so many doors for many different minorities and allow young girls to really dream big.
Having said all of that...
I would vote for a crack smoking female chimp before I'd vote for Hilary Clinton.
She's far more dangerous than people think George W. Bush is.
I think a crack smoking monkey would be a lot more fun than Hils. She'd be cuter and have a much better sense of humor.
I am all for having a female president. I think it would be great for our country. I think it would open so many doors for many different minorities and allow young girls to really dream big.
Having said all of that...
I would vote for a crack smoking female chimp before I'd vote for Hilary Clinton.
She's far more dangerous than people think George W. Bush is.
I think a crack smoking monkey would be a lot more fun than Hils. She'd be cuter and have a much better sense of humor.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Know Your Enemy
There is good news in the land. Rage Against the Machine is reportedly getting back together to play at Coachella. The fact that I live in Texas and this is happening in California is not good news but hopefully this will spark a little something between the guys and they will kiss and make up.
The rest is just bad news.
I heard on the radio today that due to some kind of formula, today is supposedly the unhappiest day of the year.
This is also the day that I had to take Piper in for her surgery.
I hated leaving her there.
The tech that took her from me must be the same one that Piper bit.
I warned her before I handed her over that she is very scared, she has a history of abuse and she might bite.
The tech looked over at someone else and said "Is this the one we did the ultrasound on?" The other person said it was.
Then the tech sighed and looked annoyed as she reached for Piper. I pulled away and said, "Should I not leave her?"
I wasn't worried about the tech. I was worried about Piper. I didn't like that bitch's attitude.
I left her anyway and cried all the way to Starbucks.
At Starbucks, I ordered my usual Caramel Machiatto. Since everyone but morons know that the coffee is scalding hot, I didn't even try to take a sip until I was over the causeway. That's when I noticed the coffee tasted weird.
I just shrugged and blamed it on too much whipped cream. I decided I would transfer it to another cup when I got to work and that's what I did.
That's also when I realized that my coffee was not coffee. It was a cup full of steamed milk and whipped cream.
There was no coffee in my $5 coffee!
I called and they took my name and promised me a free one next time.
This time I'll risk burning the shit out of my mouth to make sure I actually have coffee.
If anything, I can sue them for serving hot liquids to "unsuspecting" morons like me!
The rest is just bad news.
I heard on the radio today that due to some kind of formula, today is supposedly the unhappiest day of the year.
This is also the day that I had to take Piper in for her surgery.
I hated leaving her there.
The tech that took her from me must be the same one that Piper bit.
I warned her before I handed her over that she is very scared, she has a history of abuse and she might bite.
The tech looked over at someone else and said "Is this the one we did the ultrasound on?" The other person said it was.
Then the tech sighed and looked annoyed as she reached for Piper. I pulled away and said, "Should I not leave her?"
I wasn't worried about the tech. I was worried about Piper. I didn't like that bitch's attitude.
I left her anyway and cried all the way to Starbucks.
At Starbucks, I ordered my usual Caramel Machiatto. Since everyone but morons know that the coffee is scalding hot, I didn't even try to take a sip until I was over the causeway. That's when I noticed the coffee tasted weird.
I just shrugged and blamed it on too much whipped cream. I decided I would transfer it to another cup when I got to work and that's what I did.
That's also when I realized that my coffee was not coffee. It was a cup full of steamed milk and whipped cream.
There was no coffee in my $5 coffee!
I called and they took my name and promised me a free one next time.
This time I'll risk burning the shit out of my mouth to make sure I actually have coffee.
If anything, I can sue them for serving hot liquids to "unsuspecting" morons like me!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Dog Ramblings
I posted an entry about Piper having blood in her urine a few weeks ago.
She was diagnosed with a bladder infection and was on antibiotics for two weeks.
After two weeks, I still noticed blood in her urine so I took her back to the vet.
This time they wanted to do an ultrasound and x-rays.
They found a huge bladder stone and another little surprise; an ovarian tumor.
The tumor is small but the stone is about the size of a quarter in diameter.
She's 7lbs! How did they miss THAT in the initial exam? Even the doctor is perplexed. They're also surprised that she's not in tremendous pain. I've been saying from the beginning that she doesn't act like a dog with an infection. She's been playing and eating normally the entire time.
So, Piper has to have surgery on Monday to remove the stone and a hysterectomy to remove EVERYTHING.
Then the stone and tumor will have to be sent off to be analyzed.
This is a traumatic situation for even the most well-adjusted dog but Piper is not even close to being well-adjusted.
Just the few hours at the vet for the ultra-sound had her so upset that she bit one of the techs when he/she tried to take her out of the crate.
I warned them that she'd do it so it's not like they were surprised.
Piper is uber scared of pretty much everything. She loves and trusts me but even if I yell too loud, she's under the bed for an hour!
So, here I am with another sick dog. This time, she should make a full recovery and be fine.
It's so hard loving a pet so much and feeling like they are your furry children, yet knowing that you'll probably outlive them.
Plus, owning a dog is expensive! This whole situation is going to end up costing me about $700!
I knew that going into dog ownership, however. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't think about that.
They get a dog thinking it'll be easy, only providing food and water.
Dogs get sick, dogs get diseases and ailments. Medical care costs money...a LOT of money.
My niece, whose life is a COMPLETE mess, has a 3 yr old son and wants to get a dog.
She can't even afford to pay her rent, how is she going to afford a dog?
The vet told me a really bad story too. She had a man bring a 6 month old puppy in with some kind of ailment and the puppy needed surgery and a blood transfusion.
The man opted for euthanasia because he just bought a new car and couldn't afford the procedures.
The vet pleaded with him to change his mind and she even made him a deal. She said if they did the procedures and the dog died anyway, they'd only charge him the office visit. If the dog lived, then he'd have to pay for it.
He still said no, so the clinic took ownership of the dog, performed the procedures and now he's perfectly healthy and looking for a new home.
My first response was, "What breed?"
Unfortunately, he's a large breed. If he would have fit into my apartment, I'd have a new puppy!
She was diagnosed with a bladder infection and was on antibiotics for two weeks.
After two weeks, I still noticed blood in her urine so I took her back to the vet.
This time they wanted to do an ultrasound and x-rays.
They found a huge bladder stone and another little surprise; an ovarian tumor.
The tumor is small but the stone is about the size of a quarter in diameter.
She's 7lbs! How did they miss THAT in the initial exam? Even the doctor is perplexed. They're also surprised that she's not in tremendous pain. I've been saying from the beginning that she doesn't act like a dog with an infection. She's been playing and eating normally the entire time.
So, Piper has to have surgery on Monday to remove the stone and a hysterectomy to remove EVERYTHING.
Then the stone and tumor will have to be sent off to be analyzed.
This is a traumatic situation for even the most well-adjusted dog but Piper is not even close to being well-adjusted.
Just the few hours at the vet for the ultra-sound had her so upset that she bit one of the techs when he/she tried to take her out of the crate.
I warned them that she'd do it so it's not like they were surprised.
Piper is uber scared of pretty much everything. She loves and trusts me but even if I yell too loud, she's under the bed for an hour!
So, here I am with another sick dog. This time, she should make a full recovery and be fine.
It's so hard loving a pet so much and feeling like they are your furry children, yet knowing that you'll probably outlive them.
Plus, owning a dog is expensive! This whole situation is going to end up costing me about $700!
I knew that going into dog ownership, however. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't think about that.
They get a dog thinking it'll be easy, only providing food and water.
Dogs get sick, dogs get diseases and ailments. Medical care costs money...a LOT of money.
My niece, whose life is a COMPLETE mess, has a 3 yr old son and wants to get a dog.
She can't even afford to pay her rent, how is she going to afford a dog?
The vet told me a really bad story too. She had a man bring a 6 month old puppy in with some kind of ailment and the puppy needed surgery and a blood transfusion.
The man opted for euthanasia because he just bought a new car and couldn't afford the procedures.
The vet pleaded with him to change his mind and she even made him a deal. She said if they did the procedures and the dog died anyway, they'd only charge him the office visit. If the dog lived, then he'd have to pay for it.
He still said no, so the clinic took ownership of the dog, performed the procedures and now he's perfectly healthy and looking for a new home.
My first response was, "What breed?"
Unfortunately, he's a large breed. If he would have fit into my apartment, I'd have a new puppy!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Exploitation Idol
Part Deux of this week's Idol aired last night and I was perched comfortably in my chair for the full two hours.
It was during those two hours that I came to the realization that I need a fucking life.
Seriously, I spent two hours of my life watching retards pretend to sing.
I could have been studying quantam physics or volunteering in a soup kitchen or something like that.
Instead, I was witness to the exploitation of mentally challenged people with their sans-a-belt slacks pulled up to their armpits or their eyes bugged out of their head in abject terror.
I'm actually thinking the Special Olympic bus made a wrong turn and ended up in the American Idol tryouts.
I was beginning to think there was something in the water in Washington State but then there were gasps of surprise and cries of shame in our home when this chick admitted she was from Houston, Texas:
I wish I could find a pic of her mother but I'm too lazy so just imagine a long black wig on this one and you have the mother.
Why, for the love of MUD, did she not wear a bra? I kept asking myself that question the whole time her business swung to and fro during her performance of "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?"
On behalf of Texas, I'd like to apologize to Seattle.
Somehow, I feel responsible.
It was during those two hours that I came to the realization that I need a fucking life.
Seriously, I spent two hours of my life watching retards pretend to sing.
I could have been studying quantam physics or volunteering in a soup kitchen or something like that.
Instead, I was witness to the exploitation of mentally challenged people with their sans-a-belt slacks pulled up to their armpits or their eyes bugged out of their head in abject terror.
I'm actually thinking the Special Olympic bus made a wrong turn and ended up in the American Idol tryouts.
I was beginning to think there was something in the water in Washington State but then there were gasps of surprise and cries of shame in our home when this chick admitted she was from Houston, Texas:
I wish I could find a pic of her mother but I'm too lazy so just imagine a long black wig on this one and you have the mother.
Why, for the love of MUD, did she not wear a bra? I kept asking myself that question the whole time her business swung to and fro during her performance of "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?"
On behalf of Texas, I'd like to apologize to Seattle.
Somehow, I feel responsible.
World's Greatest Mom
If I were to have kids, I hope I'm just like this lady:
from Overheard in the Office
3PM I Might Just Do It for Fun
30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don't follow him, call him 'gay,' call him anything -- just don't talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I'm not like the other mothers around here. I'm not polite. I'm crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don't give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I'm not afraid to put another one next to it -- get my drift?
Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey
from Overheard in the Office
3PM I Might Just Do It for Fun
30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don't follow him, call him 'gay,' call him anything -- just don't talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I'm not like the other mothers around here. I'm not polite. I'm crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don't give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I'm not afraid to put another one next to it -- get my drift?
Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey
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