Friday, February 2, 2007

Two Years

Reader beware. Sad post ahead:

On this very day, two years ago, my nephew was living his last day on Earth.
The next day, he went into the water and never returned.
His body was found the next day.

I sometimes have these wild daydreams about being allowed to go back in time to this day, two years before, and stopping him from going out in that boat.
Then, today, we would all be different people. I know we've all changed significantly. Maybe on the outside some of us seem the same but inside....inside our souls have been altered.

I guess our brain tries very hard to protect us from the unpleasantness of life. If my brain allowed me to experience the true horror of that day, two years ago, I might go absolutely insane.

It's been two years and I can still remember every moment of that day vividly. I still have moments where words or phrases from that day run like an audio loop through my head.
It's amazing to me that we still go on. I fully expected the world to end. How do we keep going after such a horrific loss?

A beautiful 23 yr old man died on February 3, 2005. He was gorgeous, he was genuine and he was so full of hope and promise. But now he's gone.

My sister lost her child. The child she gave birth to and lived her life for.
The rest of us lost an extremely important member of our family.

Rick was born in April. I was 8, about to turn 9 in exactly two months.
I was in the 3rd grade and I felt like the most special little girl in the world because I was an aunt.
I didn't know anyone my age who was an aunt.
I can remember when my sister let me touch her belly and I felt him kick. That was amazing but I also remember when she let me hold that tiny baby.
I had to sit down and then they lowered him into my arms. They were so protective, so sure that I'd drop him on his head or squeeze him too tight.
I held out my arms like I had seen other people do on TV. He was wrapped in what seemed like a million blankets with only his tiny face peeking out and I stared down at him, not know what the heck to do or to think.
I was amazed by him.

For the next 23 years, I continued to be amazed by him. He turned out to be so GOOD. So thoughtful, so caring...he actually cared about other people and always found something nice to say about everyone even about the most rotten ones.
I sometimes wonder if he were just too good for this earth.
At some point, in order to survive, we have to become hardened. We have to close our eyes to some things and we have to harden our hearts to others.
Maybe that would have been too much for Rick. His heart was so good.

Maybe he just didn't belong here.

I still miss him.

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