Penis, Plural

There's a whole lotta penis in the news today.

First a midget gets his penis stuck in a vacuum.

Then a woman sets her ex-husband's junk on fire.

Why do people constantly do things to their genitals?

Genitals are for fun and procreation. Not for extreme sports and revenge.

Some man in Europe cut off his own penis because he thinks he should be a woman.
You know, I'm an open minded person and I believe that if you truly feel you're not the gender your body says you are, then you go girl/boy/it and get some gender reassignment surgery. I'm totally behind you on it.

However, I'm just not down with the DIY Sex Change.

Protect your junk, people! No one else is gonna do it for you!

Book Questionnaire

I got this from Sheila.

What are you reading right now?

Stardust by Neil Gaiman and The Know-It-All by A. J. Jacobs.

Do you have any idea what you’ll read when you’re done with that?

I'm not sure. I bought a stack of books at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago including Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro which I've been wanting to read for a while.

What magazines do you have in your bathroom right now?

None. Don't get me started on this but I don't GET reading in the bathroom. Who spends that much time on the toilet?

What’s the worst thing you were ever forced to read?

I can't remember being forced to read something bad but there was a book about a year ago that really pissed me off. I held on until the end expecting a decent pay off and all I got was crap. Now, I can't remember what that book was. I've blocked it out.

What’s the one book you always recommend to just about everyone?

It depends who I'm talking to. Everyone in my age group just HAS to read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers.
I guess I would recommend David Sedaris to just about anyone. He's brilliantly funny.

Admit it, the librarians at your library know you on a first name basis, don’t they?

They better! I'm one of them!

Is there a book you absolutely love, but for some reason, people never think it sounds interesting, or maybe they read it and don’t like it at all?

I've recommended A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius to people much older than me and they hated it. I really think it's a generational thing.

Do you read books while you eat? While you bathe? While you watch movies or TV? While you listen to music? While you’re on the computer? While you’re having sex? While you’re driving?

Yes, to all of the above, except for the sex part and the driving part. (staying with Sheila's answer, here)

When you were little, did other children tease you about your reading habits?

Not really. I can remember being ashamed of it and not actually telling people.
It must have been the 6th grade when I ordered Gone With the Wind from Scholastic Books.
Do you remember getting the Weekly Reader and ordering books SUPER cheap from them through the school? Did anyone else do that?
Anyway, I ordered GWTW and it was a HUGE book. It was delivered to the morning class and I had to carry it around all day.
Someone saw it on my desk and looked at me like I was crazy. "You're going to READ that?". Suddenly, I was embarrassed so I said "Oh no, my cousin wanted me to order it for her."
I lied. How sad is that?
Gone With the Wind is my number 1 favorite book to this day and it makes me sad to think I lied about reading it when I was 11 or 12.

What’s the last thing you stayed up half the night reading because it was so good you couldn’t put it down?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. (me too Sheila!)

Speaking of hating people

I can remember loving Walmart. I remember just going to go...to look at all the items, to buy just a little something even if I didn't need it.
I can remember a time when going to Walmart seemed fun.
The more I start to hate people, the more I hate Walmart. Why? Well...Walmart is full of people and often times, the WORST people.
There is no end to the trash you'll see when you step foot inside a Walmart.
I've gotten to the point where I will drive completely out of my way to hit a Target or I'll pay three times as much for items at Walgreens.
For convenience sake, I went to Walmart Wednesday night and then Thursday night I had to go back to return the horrible earbuds I purchased.
The return itself was easy and as I was walking back to my car, I walked behind a truck. The vehicle was idling and as I got directly behind it, I saw the reverse lights from the corner of my eye.
I'm too stubborn to frantically run or jump out of the way, as if I'm daring this bitch to hit me.
But suddenly, a thought struck me and I actually said it out loud, "Oh please don't hit me. I do NOT want to die in the Walmart parking lot!"
I couldn't think of anything worse than to take my last breath laying on spit covered asphalt, surrounded by 100 people with about 10 teeth between them.

As I was driving through the parking lot, I noticed a Walmart employee walking to his own car. He must have been about 90 and time had bent him over so that he was almost staring directly at the ground as he walked.
He's too old to be working. He should be retired, enjoying his last days with his grandkids and great-grandkids.
I thought about all the really old people that work at Walmart. Like the elderly man who greats you at the door with glasses so thick, you have no idea if he's looking at you or not.
They also hire the mentally and physically challenged. I know of two Down Syndrome employees who gather the baskets from the parking lot and I've seen wheel-chair bound employees doing various tasks through-out the store.
I'm glad Walmart gives people like that a stable place to work.
But maybe I don't like going because I have to look at these poor unfortunate people who are actually LUCKY to work at Walmart and then I can't bitch about how rough I have it because I can't afford a YSL Muse at $1200 or I couldn't get a pedicure this month because both my license tag and my inspection sticker expired.
My life is pretty good. Damn those unfortunates who make me realize it!

What do you stick in your ears?

Have I told you how much I love my iPod? If I could marry it, I would.
I admit it, I was one of those people who said, "I don't need one of them dang iPods" possibly spoken in a redneck accent but...oh, how I was wrong.
I want to cradle it and kiss it at night and compose odes to the glory of it's pink exterior and the musical and podcasty goodness on the inside.
I'm not having such a great relationship with my earbuds, however.
The ones that come with the iPod hurt my ears (I have freakishly small ears and ear holes). So, I went on a hunt for the perfect earbud. I'm on my 4th pair and the sound is unbelievable.
The others didn't necessarily hurt my ears but it sounded like I was listening to music through my neighbor's bedroom wall.
The ones I have now are exquisite. The sound is perfect...
but they hurt my fucking ears.
Why can't I have both incredible sound and comfort? Why do I have to sacrifice one for the other? And why are "quality" earbuds so fucking expensive?
I saw some for $300. Are you freakin kidding me? $300 for two little pod thingies you stick in your ear?
I have these Phillips buds and I paid about $20 for them.
I'm not adverse to paying $30 or on a good day $40 for a good pair but it's really goes against everything I hold dear to pay more than that for these stupid things.

Do you love your earbuds? What do you have?

It's all about how I hate people: The Rant

I was driving to work today looking at the people in the cars around me.
What is wrong with the world today? What is wrong with people?
I watched a man in a truck open his door at a red light, stick his head out of the door and spit on the ground.
I can promise you something. I have NEVER felt the need to open my car door and spit on the road.
I started thinking about how often I see grown men spit. I've seen them spit on the sidewalk, spit in parking lots, I had a neighbor who spit on the stairs.
Guys, I have a question: Why must you spit?
I do not go around spitting and neither do any of the females I know. I've never felt compelled to leave a glob of my saliva (or whatever it is) anywhere.

Since I'm ranting about people.....Why are there so many unkempt people in the world.
I'm not talking about poverty level or homeless people, I'm talking about normal people who go out into public with filthy clothes, smelling of body odor, cigarette smoke or food deep fried in lard.
I see people with dirty, greasy hair, people wearing freshly stained t-shirts and mud-encrusted shoes.
I don't have a lot of money and I don't buy expensive shoes but I can guarantee you that when I leave my house, they are clean....as are my clothes.
Do people just not give a shit? Have they lost every ounce of respect for themselves and the people around them?

I was about to bitch about stupid people but most people can't help being stupid. Most of the time they don't even know they're stupid. I don't like it that they have the IQ of a groundhog but there's not a whole lot they can do about it.

People with really bad grammar get on my nerves. I'm not talking about texting or IM speak. I'm talking about having a conversation with people who can't remember anything they learned in elementary school.
Hell, read a book or listen to people on TV. Do you speak like they do? Maybe you're doing something wrong.
When it comes to writing, little things get on my nerves.
Aside from typos, a lot of people don't know that it's "a lot" and not "alot".
There is a difference between "then" and "than". "Then" demonstrates a progression of time. "Than" shows how items are compared.
"Saw" and "Seen" can't be used interchangeably. "Seen" needs a helping verb. "Saw" does not.
And do NOT get me started on "There", "Their" and "They're". Not to mention "You're" and "Your"...oh and "Two", "To" and "Too".
Oh my....I better stop this now. I'm starting to hyperventilate.

God. No wonder I'm single.

It Slices and Dices

Sister #1 thought she'd be a good sister and buy us all these professional knives for Christmas last year.
We each got one with it's own case and sheath.
This is one bad ass knife. Seriously, it's like one of those knives you'd see on Iron Chef or Benihana's or some shit.
I knew it was bad news when Sister #3 shows up at a family gathering looking like Michael Jackson with all of her fingers bandaged.
"Holy shit! What happened to you?"
"Well, I was using that knife that #1 gave us on Monday and I sliced my index finger open. Then on Tuesday, I used that knife and sliced my thumb open. Then on......"

Well, surely Sister #3 is a moron. She must not be doing it right.

I rarely have cause to prepare or even cut food in my home but for some stupid reason, over the weekend, I purchased a block of smoked gouda and thought I'd use said bad ass knife to slice me a few pieces for a sandwich.
The first time I tried it, I ended up breaking off a hunk of the cheese at the bottom as the pressure from bad ass knife was too much for the block of smoked gouda.

So, today, I decided to try a different tactic. It was early in the morning you see...I wasn't thinking clearly and I'll just leave it at that.
Needless to say, I cut the holy crap out of my thumb.
It's not a slice...it's a deep stab wound that even went through the top of my nail.
As blood gushed from my moronic wound, I started chanting to no one in particular, "Oh that's not good, not good, not good, not good, not good."
I danced around the kitchen trying to figure out what to do.
I grabbed a dish towel and applied pressure to my thumb while different scenarios raced through my head about going to the ER and getting stitches.
I squeezed on my towel-covered thumb for a few minutes, then gathered the courage to remove the towel to survey the damage.
It wasn't even bleeding anymore.

I knew it. Sister #3 is a moron!

Astros stuff: Jennings goes from BooHoo to WooHoo!

Angela, don't read this!

Sunday, I had tickets (which were a birthday gift from my cousin in San Diego) to the Astros vs Padres game.
The seats were amazing. We were so close to the on deck circle, I could examine the fabric of the players' jerseys.
We were happy little suckers until our starting pitcher, Jason Jennings, gave up 11 runs in the first inning.
It was a first for me. I had never seen a team score 11 runs in one inning and I had never seen a pitcher pulled after 2/3rds of an inning sans injury.

I sat in stunned silence. Could this really be happening? I haven't even had my freakin Cracker Jacks and already we were 11-0!

In my silence, I was in the minority. Most of the other fans were booing Jennings off the mound.
It was painful to watch.
Like I've mentioned before, I'm a freaking girl. I get emotional and I wanted to cry for this dude. How nightmarish must it be to stand there in the middle of a baseball diamond, falling apart at the seams while your hometown fans boo you so viciously?

Amazingly, we came back and ended up scoring 11 runs but the Padres stayed one (or more) steps ahead of us and we lost it 18-11.

But that first inning...wow. It's all anyone could talk about for days.
It was like this huge dark cloud hanging over Jennings' head.

Then last night in extra innings against the Braves, when we were nearly out of pinch hitters and relief pitchers, Jason Jennings comes in to pinch hit for Mark McLemore and drives in the winning run.

Does this put Jennings back into the good graces of the Houston fans? I doubt it but for a brief moment he knows what it feels like to be a game hero.