Thursday, June 27, 2013

On Being Disposable

I wonder if others feel disposable?
By disposable, I mean, easy to discard or forget.

I'm well aware that friendships and relationships can be cyclical.  There are periods in your life where certain friendships are necessary and then things change and needs change and you evolve and move on to other journeys that require different people in different circumstances.

I am a fraud.  An absolute fraud.
I have you all convinced that I am tough, that nothing can touch me.  I am full of false bravado.  I don't need anyone in my life; I have my books, my dogs and baseball and that's all I need!  I am a liar.  I am just like every woman I've ever silently scorned.
It's not loneliness.  It's more about that feeling that there is something out there that puts you at the top of their list; their highest priority.
Then there are days that I don't want anyone in my face.  I want you to love me but I want you to give me some space.
I want you to WANT to be with me all the time but not be with me all the time.
I want you to wake up thinking about me and go to sleep dreaming of me but I don't want you to smother me with your attentions.
I am the Goldilocks of love.  It's either too soft or too hard.  Too hot or too cold.  I want it JUST RIGHT.
So how do I combat these manic feelings?  For me, I lean to one extreme and pretend that I don't want anything at all.  I try to have casual, physical relationships and yet those don't work for me because I yearn to be valued as a a human being.

But I've ruined and sabotaged many relationships because
  1. I fear failure so I end it before its inevitable collapse
  2. I am not honest with myself or with the other person
  3. I don't know what the fuck I truly want
  4. I have convinced him that I'm ok with being disposable....and I'm not
I have tried very hard to strike that balance of being free of commitment yet be in a relationship where I feel valued and loved.  I haven't found it.
I feel invisible, ignored and easily cast aside because I don't scream out that I am here.  I don't demand to be noticed.  I don't want to be that kind of woman but obviously it's not working for me.

I don't know what to do except to rid my life of all relationships and continue being happy with my dogs, my books and baseball and do it all alone.

I'm not asking for pity and believe me, I am not one of those women who define themselves by the men in their lives,  I just truly wonder how many feel this way. Am I alone in this too?