Friday, December 27, 2013

My Effing 2013 Newsletter

I have a cousin who sends out newsletters at the end of each year.  They have absolutely no sense of irony or reality.
The newsletters gush about lavish vacations, their perfect children and all the wonderful things they do all year.
Last year, I posted a sarcastic, profanity-laden "newsletter" of my own that I, of course, didn't share with them, but with my favorite people on Twitter.

Now, as I look back on 2013, I can see where so much went wrong.
I wasn't alone when I rang in the New Year and that set the tone for an odd year involving the opposite sex.
Men are painfully frustrating....did you all know this?

My year consisted of one emotional entanglement after another but I kept it interesting with lots of alcohol and lots and LOTS of Astros.
I rode some coattails, shook some hands, fist-bumped some ballclub presidents, mingled with ballplayers and guys with cool titles like Director of Decision Sciences.  Seriously, what does that even MEAN?
I lost some friends but regained some old ones! I ate a lot of great food, had the best birthday ever, got a new tattoo and slept in a haunted hotel.
I laughed a lot, cried a little, embarrassed myself online and in public; I may or may not have shown a non-English speaking bar employee one of my boobs and I definitely told Reid Ryan that I was "kind of a big deal" when I introduced myself to him this year.  I blame that on bottomless mimosas.
I discovered new music, took on the challenge of reading all the volumes of In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust with a friend but only completed one GIANT volume, took two online courses, had a stalker, still haven't figured out what the hell a bitcoin is, was called a Midtown hipster pseudo-intellectual, sat in the Diamond Club at Minute Maid Park, invited strangers from the internet to hang out with me and my friends, texted friends so late into the night that I often fell asleep with the phone in my hand, got to take my mom places she had never been and bought books...lots and lots of books.
I challenged myself to read 40 books this year but will end up having only read 34...and a half.

I watched too many friends go through painful loses and felt the helplessness that comes with being unable to take the pain away.
But watching from the outside, I found most of my friends incredibly brave this year.  I learned a lot from them, too.
I lost my own brother-in-law, suddenly...shockingly...and it still doesn't seem real.

I don't have the right clothes, I don't go on incredible vacations, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't have a lot of money, I eat Cheetos with a fork and I use the f-word a lot, but I do have some really amazing friends who are so good to me and I have a lot of fun.

2013 could have been better but it wasn't so fucking bad.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

On Being Disposable

I wonder if others feel disposable?
By disposable, I mean, easy to discard or forget.

I'm well aware that friendships and relationships can be cyclical.  There are periods in your life where certain friendships are necessary and then things change and needs change and you evolve and move on to other journeys that require different people in different circumstances.

I am a fraud.  An absolute fraud.
I have you all convinced that I am tough, that nothing can touch me.  I am full of false bravado.  I don't need anyone in my life; I have my books, my dogs and baseball and that's all I need!  I am a liar.  I am just like every woman I've ever silently scorned.
It's not loneliness.  It's more about that feeling that there is something out there that puts you at the top of their list; their highest priority.
Then there are days that I don't want anyone in my face.  I want you to love me but I want you to give me some space.
I want you to WANT to be with me all the time but not be with me all the time.
I want you to wake up thinking about me and go to sleep dreaming of me but I don't want you to smother me with your attentions.
I am the Goldilocks of love.  It's either too soft or too hard.  Too hot or too cold.  I want it JUST RIGHT.
So how do I combat these manic feelings?  For me, I lean to one extreme and pretend that I don't want anything at all.  I try to have casual, physical relationships and yet those don't work for me because I yearn to be valued as a woman...as a human being.

But I've ruined and sabotaged many relationships because
  1. I fear failure so I end it before its inevitable collapse
  2. I am not honest with myself or with the other person
  3. I don't know what the fuck I truly want
  4. I have convinced him that I'm ok with being disposable....and I'm not
I have tried very hard to strike that balance of being free of commitment yet be in a relationship where I feel valued and loved.  I haven't found it.
I feel invisible, ignored and easily cast aside because I don't scream out that I am here.  I don't demand to be noticed.  I don't want to be that kind of woman but obviously it's not working for me.

I don't know what to do except to rid my life of all relationships and continue being happy with my dogs, my books and baseball and do it all alone.

I'm not asking for pity and believe me, I am not one of those women who define themselves by the men in their lives,  I just truly wonder how many feel this way. Am I alone in this too?