Sunday, January 22, 2017

An Except from @HouCounterplot’s upcoming book..."

I held the oxygen mask in my right hand and ran my thumb and forefinger along its elastic band. The band was brittle from years of neglect. My death would be quick.

And hopefully painless.

I thought about praying. I thought about reflecting on my life—the good, the bad, the regrets.

…the women.

I sat. Stoically. Quietly. Calmly. 

The bottom had fallen out. The plane was careening towards my death. I peeked out of the window and saw a trail of thick black smoke chasing me. People began screaming. The plane was careening towards their deaths as well. Guttural moans. Horror.Panic took over the entire cabin.

But, yet, I sat. Stoically. Quietly. Calmly. 

I am unafraid to die. 

I thought about the night before. Her scent remained. I could taste her. I thought of her body; she was a goddess. I prayed at her alter. I baptized myself in her being. We were Gods. We were powerful. And now? Mortal. Imminently mortal. I am dying. I will die. 

…in moments.

A young mother held her baby. An older couple held onto each other. I continued to run my thumb and forefinger along the brittle elastic band of my oxygen mask. I waited for death.

Black.

And then I woke up in a hospital bed. I rubbed my eyes. My body ached.

“What’s today?”

“You’re a very lucky man, Mr…?”

Altuve.”

“Mr. Altuve.”

My nurse was beautiful. She was cut right out of a magazine. She was wearing a short skirt and a blouse that showcased her large supple breasts. 

“I’m going to take really good care of you, Mr. Altuve.”

(If you enjoyed this, please preorder Fifty Shades of Altuve at your local Barnes & Noble retailer. Out this Valentine’s Day.)

Friday, December 16, 2016

Welcome to the Apocalypse...or The Year that was 2016

This is the time of year I write my Christmas newsletter.  It started because I have a perfectly nice cousin who has a PERFECTLY nice family and a PERFECTLY nice life would send out her family's yearly newsletter outlining how PERFECTLY nice their year was.
They donated to charity and their kid befriended the one black kid at their school, went skiing, paid for someone's drink in the line behind them at Starbucks...you know...amazing things.
So, I wanted to do my own version of a Christmas newsletter to show how PERFECTLY messed up I was in comparison.

But 2016 has been very special and the one thing I'd really like to say about it is....


WHAT. THE. FUCK?

I mean....really...

WHAT THE FUCK???

Is this real life?  I mean...did this year actually happen?
2016 is trying to kill us.  KILL US ALL.

2016 took Prince, man.  PRINCE.  And Bowie! WHY?
We lost Alan Rickman...it's just not fair!
Why did Garry Shandling have to die?
And Mrs. Brady? Alan Thicke?
I could go on and on because the list is VERY long but we can just wait for the In Memoriam at the Oscars in a couple of months.  It'll last 12 hours.

2016 gave us the most bizarre presidential election to date.  The biggest losers were the American people.  We are watching the end of times.  You can either have several drinks and watch it burn or brush up on your foreign languages.

Personally, 2016 wasn't TOO bad.  My resolution for the year wasn't about doing things or quitting things...it was about one word:  Simplicity.
For too long I allowed things to overwhelm my life, so, I quit them.  Responsibilities that weren't dire got pushed aside, people who were making me miserable were DFA'd and I made myself stay home more. I read more, I watched more Netflix, I played with Dashiell more, I drank coffee on the patio more and I enjoyed my own company more.
I even spent 3 days at my sister's lake house with just me, a giant pile of books and my dog.  It was heavenly.  I'm pretty damn good company!

I invited a crap load of people to come out and celebrate my birthday in June and you won't believe this but SO MANY OF THEM SHOWED UP!  I don't know why so many would come out to watch me drink to great excess & party with me but I'm not going to question it too much.  I'm just going to be grateful for their friendship and try to be a better friend to them.

2016 tried to kill me with alcohol because on my birthday, I threw up from too much of it for the first time since I was 19.  I know! I can't believe it, either!
It turns out that when really amazing friends (Nicole & Kim) leave $40 worth of bagels & Motrin by your bed when you pass out, you don't have a giant hangover the next morning.
My friends took such good care of me that night and I will always be thankful.

On a personal level, it turns out that when you simplify your life and reduce the drama, things aren't so bad.  Maybe I'm getting mellow in my old age or maybe I've just finally realized how to fucking live my life!
But here is my advice to you:  make a list of all the things that bring you drama and stress you out.  Get rid of the things you can get rid of and lessen your involvement in the things that must stay.

But even if 2016 wasn't so bad for me, I worry about this world we live in.  Terrible things are happening but we're more concerned about getting our brows on fleek or keep up with the new horrible thing on reality TV or contouring according to YouTube videos than about what's happening in our world.  When people weren't paying attention, bad things happened and none of us know how to fix it.
Now, don't get me wrong...I believe we all should find things that make us happy and make our lives a little less grey.  Life is short so we MUST find those pockets of peace and happiness but we also must balance our personal enjoyment with things that make the world a better place....
and that segue was AWESOME because it brings me to my word of 2017:

Balance

We've got to do something to balance the good and bad in the world.  We have to balance our lives and our relationships.  We have to try at least, right?

I spoke to the awesome Mel Vega about actually DOING something.  Because we weren't doing something and suddenly we're dealing with 4 years of fear and uncertainty so maybe we can't do anything about THAT but we can do our part.  We can help fund things that are in a precarious position, we can help the under-served in some capacity...we can DO something.  I want to do something! If you're interested, sign up for Mel's newsletter and maybe we can come up with some ideas.  We must make 2017 better!

So there you have it...my life isn't perfect.  I'm still trying to stay off carbs but my GOD...french fries and Little Debbie snack cakes are just so good.
I still find myself spending way too much money and not saving enough.
I lost some friends this year that I miss so dearly.  Sometimes I dream about them and feel their loss all over again.
I adopted a kitten that was badly in need of a home and the first 2 days I thought he was perfect and now I'm thinking that he was just buttering me up for the inevitable kitten-monster phase that I'm hoping he grows out of quickly! In the meantime, I'm buying stock in neosporin and bandaids.
I'm still waiting until I'm down to the worst pair of underwear I own to do laundry.  I often find myself playing "What's that smell?" coming from my refrigerator because I tend to leave things in there a while.
I haven't bought new clothes in years because...what's the point? They're all going to be black anyway.  I only bought new walking shoes recently because mine had holes in the soles and I might as well have gone barefoot while walking Dash.
So yeah....some things haven't changed in 2016, I'm still me...just an older version.

Happy Holidays n shit!







Thursday, December 24, 2015

All Things Must End, But Mostly Years

 Every year my golden cousin writes a Christmas newsletter filling us all in on her amazing life with her amazing husband and children.  This year there were trips to Hawaii, hiking, lounging by the pool with girlfriends, wine, scuba diving and the incredible accomplishments of her golden offspring.
 I usually have to drink heavily prior to reading it which leads to my own version of a Christmas newsletter.
 The only problem is I don't have a perfect family, trips to exotic locales or any money.
 I spent New Year's eve at home but I didn't mind because I didn't want to leave my little Piper who died two days later.
 After that the whole year seems to be a blur so I used my Instagram account to refresh my memory and obviously I have a possibly unhealthy attachment to my dog, and an obsession with notebooks, paper and pens. I made an extremely questionable decision involving bangs and I did that sober!
 However there were plenty of things I didn't do sober… Like my birthday. I celebrated with so many awesome friends. I don't know why they all like me but I don't care...they bought me vodka. I only have a vague memory of returning to my hotel room that night. I'm so lucky I have such good friends that take care of me and stop me from doing things like telling a scary looking lady holding her stilettos in her hand on Main and Texas at 2 am that I liked her weave.
 According to Instagram I ate a lot of sushi, drank a lot of coffee, went to a lot of Astros games and took a lot of awkward selfies.
 In 2015 I got tattooed again, tested for every G.I. abnormality under the sun, scheduled a surgery then canceled.
 I learned that if I needed a place to stay after surgery no one in my family would offer to have me. I also learned that the friends you choose can become your real family, that dogs are the best therapists but can't prescribe meds, that if you quit gluten and carbs your friends will get so sick of hearing about it, that I paint pretty well when I've had lots of wine, that driving a new car is pretty cool but BUYING a new car makes me want to vomit and crying at the dealership gets you a nice discount.
 I would like to say that previous years I learned that bottomless mimosas are a bad idea but I did it again at a birthday brunch and ended up spending a Sunday afternoon wasted in downtown Houston, giving uneaten gyros to homeless guys.
 Aside from my awkward moments and embarrassing memories, I spent a lot of quality time with my friends, my dog, my mom and my books.
I don't have a fine house, fancy cars, perfect children or money to burn but 2015 wasn't so bad – I lived.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Many Themes of 2014

It’s the time of year again where we take a look back and wonder where it all went wrong.
Some people take this time to send out newsletters to let everyone know how perfect their lives are and  I would love to do that but I don’t live in a world of make-believe or fantasy.  I live in a world of booze, hard truth and a bit of levity.

2014 started out with a fabulous dinner with some fabulous ladies and I was home in time to kiss my dog at midnight.  This became my theme of the year.  Suddenly, in 2014, I couldn't wait to get home.

The beginning of the year saw a character actor give me his phone number in a Vine comment and some strange, flirty texting followed briefly.  Sometimes, I’m too impulsive for my own good.  My 80k tweets speak to this fact.

Another theme for the year was similar to last year; friends.
I spent lots of time with friends at places like Reserve 101, Warren’s Inn and Molly’s Pub.  Also, it seems alcohol is a theme here, too but who likes to drink alone?  Especially when I’m pretending to be Pat Benatar & Gladys Knight (complete with my own Pip, Alyson) at a spontaneous night of karaoke at Molly’s Pub. 
This followed another successful FanFest at MMP where I asked the GM of the Astros what he had been up to during the off-season and he shrugged and said “Not much.  Just hanging out.”

Baseball!  There is another theme for 2014! Baseball and friends?  Who could ask for more?  I spent the summer traveling to Minute Maid Park to watch the Astros continue to improve so I can say “I was there!” when they finally get to the World Series!  Who doesn't love a day at Minute Maid Park?  Fist-bumping ball club presidents, hugging your favorite usher, screaming for your favorite beer vendor, eating GIANT salads or Korean waffle fries, smuggling vodka in your cleavage, dodging those people who want to give you a "free" Astros towel, weaseling your way upstairs to the Club Level merely to get the “good” potato salad, signing up to be a designated driver for a free soda, taking #selfieswithroy, meeting people you only knew from Twitter, oh! And watching a baseball game!

In 2014, I finally decided to join the modern world and I got internet at home.  Some people say cable TV is next but hold on there, cowboy…don’t get crazy.  I might be a luddite at home but at work I’m an IT wiz!  This year I solved a huge problem that not only helped me at work but in libraries all over the state of Texas and I got zero credit for it because I couldn't figure out how to tell people without sounding like an obnoxious blow-hard.  Maybe I’ll become one in 2015!  Fingers crossed!

Speaking of obnoxious blow-hards…I learned a valuable lesson about friendship and loyalty this year.  I learned that friendship, loyalty and common decency mean nothing to some people.  I am naive enough to be surprised that grown women behave like they’re still in junior high but I’m mostly happy that I’m not accustomed to terrible people doing terrible things.

Books became my refuge this year, even more so than before.  I joined a book club that included exactly ONE other person and we argued over what to read as if we were a group of drunken women and not a grown man and woman.
Reading is a lonely and solitary exercise that is sometimes made better with a partner.  It was cool finding a reading buddy this year.
I bought far too many books in 2014.  I am afraid that one day I will go missing and my body will be found under a pile of toppled books in my house.  I guess there are worse ways to go!


2014 certainly wasn't perfect.  I came dangerously close to losing a good friend but we held on with both hands for as long as we could until we made things right again.
November was a terrible month that saw the death of my 15 yr old cat, Hemingway, car trouble, the flu, and a bad rollover car wreck in Nicole’s brand new Escape.  But we were lucky it was a brand new car with good airbags and a sturdy frame because we were pulled from the sunroof with only bumps and bruises.
I could think about all the things that have bothered me since getting into a car accident…like I’m a little nervous when I drive at night or I now think that anything bad can happen, anytime, anywhere, before you even know it.
But I choose to think about all the people who stopped and came to our aid the second the accident happened.  I just remember the sound of multiple impacts, metal tearing and car horns.  Then total silence.  I lay there, on my side, wondering what was going to happen now but before the fear could set in, I heard voices; voices of people coming to help.  And help they did.  I don’t remember their faces and I didn't get names but I think I thanked them.  I hope I thanked them. 

I’m afraid this time next year, I will be writing about the loss of my 15 yr old dog Piper.  However, each time I think she’s near death, I start feeding her cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and she perks right up.
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep her alive on fast food but hell; I've survived on it for 42 years!

In conclusion, 2014 has had many themes and for this I am grateful.  Life should be a variety of fun, crazy shit.  Life should be full of surprises because sometimes it's fun not knowing what’s coming around the bend.

Note to 2015: please don’t take me too seriously.  I’d like a lot of peace to balance out those surprises!















Friday, December 27, 2013

My Effing 2013 Newsletter

I have a cousin who sends out newsletters at the end of each year.  They have absolutely no sense of irony or reality.
The newsletters gush about lavish vacations, their perfect children and all the wonderful things they do all year.
Last year, I posted a sarcastic, profanity-laden "newsletter" of my own that I, of course, didn't share with them, but with my favorite people on Twitter.

Now, as I look back on 2013, I can see where so much went wrong.
I wasn't alone when I rang in the New Year and that set the tone for an odd year involving the opposite sex.
Men are painfully frustrating....did you all know this?

My year consisted of one emotional entanglement after another but I kept it interesting with lots of alcohol and lots and LOTS of Astros.
I rode some coattails, shook some hands, fist-bumped some ballclub presidents, mingled with ballplayers and guys with cool titles like Director of Decision Sciences.  Seriously, what does that even MEAN?
I lost some friends but regained some old ones! I ate a lot of great food, had the best birthday ever, got a new tattoo and slept in a haunted hotel.
I laughed a lot, cried a little, embarrassed myself online and in public; I may or may not have shown a non-English speaking bar employee one of my boobs and I definitely told Reid Ryan that I was "kind of a big deal" when I introduced myself to him this year.  I blame that on bottomless mimosas.
I discovered new music, took on the challenge of reading all the volumes of In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust with a friend but only completed one GIANT volume, took two online courses, had a stalker, still haven't figured out what the hell a bitcoin is, was called a Midtown hipster pseudo-intellectual, sat in the Diamond Club at Minute Maid Park, invited strangers from the internet to hang out with me and my friends, texted friends so late into the night that I often fell asleep with the phone in my hand, got to take my mom places she had never been and bought books...lots and lots of books.
I challenged myself to read 40 books this year but will end up having only read 34...and a half.

I watched too many friends go through painful loses and felt the helplessness that comes with being unable to take the pain away.
But watching from the outside, I found most of my friends incredibly brave this year.  I learned a lot from them, too.
I lost my own brother-in-law, suddenly...shockingly...and it still doesn't seem real.

I don't have the right clothes, I don't go on incredible vacations, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't have a lot of money, I eat Cheetos with a fork and I use the f-word a lot, but I do have some really amazing friends who are so good to me and I have a lot of fun.

2013 could have been better but it wasn't so fucking bad.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

On Being Disposable

I wonder if others feel disposable?
By disposable, I mean, easy to discard or forget.

I'm well aware that friendships and relationships can be cyclical.  There are periods in your life where certain friendships are necessary and then things change and needs change and you evolve and move on to other journeys that require different people in different circumstances.

I am a fraud.  An absolute fraud.
I have you all convinced that I am tough, that nothing can touch me.  I am full of false bravado.  I don't need anyone in my life; I have my books, my dogs and baseball and that's all I need!  I am a liar.  I am just like every woman I've ever silently scorned.
It's not loneliness.  It's more about that feeling that there is something out there that puts you at the top of their list; their highest priority.
Then there are days that I don't want anyone in my face.  I want you to love me but I want you to give me some space.
I want you to WANT to be with me all the time but not be with me all the time.
I want you to wake up thinking about me and go to sleep dreaming of me but I don't want you to smother me with your attentions.
I am the Goldilocks of love.  It's either too soft or too hard.  Too hot or too cold.  I want it JUST RIGHT.
So how do I combat these manic feelings?  For me, I lean to one extreme and pretend that I don't want anything at all.  I try to have casual, physical relationships and yet those don't work for me because I yearn to be valued as a woman...as a human being.

But I've ruined and sabotaged many relationships because
  1. I fear failure so I end it before its inevitable collapse
  2. I am not honest with myself or with the other person
  3. I don't know what the fuck I truly want
  4. I have convinced him that I'm ok with being disposable....and I'm not
I have tried very hard to strike that balance of being free of commitment yet be in a relationship where I feel valued and loved.  I haven't found it.
I feel invisible, ignored and easily cast aside because I don't scream out that I am here.  I don't demand to be noticed.  I don't want to be that kind of woman but obviously it's not working for me.

I don't know what to do except to rid my life of all relationships and continue being happy with my dogs, my books and baseball and do it all alone.

I'm not asking for pity and believe me, I am not one of those women who define themselves by the men in their lives,  I just truly wonder how many feel this way. Am I alone in this too?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Holiday Reflections

As the year comes to a close & I reflect on the moments I experienced, I can't help but think about the main theme of my year: friendship.
I have made some friends & unfortunately lost some friends this year but in all, I was lucky enough to have all of these people in my life at some point.
If we've shared dinner, drinks, tweets, confidences, FB messages, Astros games, texts at 2 am, hotel rooms downtown, cried in bars, whispered about men, commiserated about women, road tripped to Kissimmee, written actual letters, taken pictures we can't allow out in public, molested bears or just shared our lives, I am grateful to you this Holiday season!
Happy Happy Holidays



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