Friday, December 27, 2013

My Effing 2013 Newsletter

I have a cousin who sends out newsletters at the end of each year.  They have absolutely no sense of irony or reality.
The newsletters gush about lavish vacations, their perfect children and all the wonderful things they do all year.
Last year, I posted a sarcastic, profanity-laden "newsletter" of my own that I, of course, didn't share with them, but with my favorite people on Twitter.

Now, as I look back on 2013, I can see where so much went wrong.
I wasn't alone when I rang in the New Year and that set the tone for an odd year involving the opposite sex.
Men are painfully frustrating....did you all know this?

My year consisted of one emotional entanglement after another but I kept it interesting with lots of alcohol and lots and LOTS of Astros.
I rode some coattails, shook some hands, fist-bumped some ballclub presidents, mingled with ballplayers and guys with cool titles like Director of Decision Sciences.  Seriously, what does that even MEAN?
I lost some friends but regained some old ones! I ate a lot of great food, had the best birthday ever, got a new tattoo and slept in a haunted hotel.
I laughed a lot, cried a little, embarrassed myself online and in public; I may or may not have shown a non-English speaking bar employee one of my boobs and I definitely told Reid Ryan that I was "kind of a big deal" when I introduced myself to him this year.  I blame that on bottomless mimosas.
I discovered new music, took on the challenge of reading all the volumes of In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust with a friend but only completed one GIANT volume, took two online courses, had a stalker, still haven't figured out what the hell a bitcoin is, was called a Midtown hipster pseudo-intellectual, sat in the Diamond Club at Minute Maid Park, invited strangers from the internet to hang out with me and my friends, texted friends so late into the night that I often fell asleep with the phone in my hand, got to take my mom places she had never been and bought books...lots and lots of books.
I challenged myself to read 40 books this year but will end up having only read 34...and a half.

I watched too many friends go through painful loses and felt the helplessness that comes with being unable to take the pain away.
But watching from the outside, I found most of my friends incredibly brave this year.  I learned a lot from them, too.
I lost my own brother-in-law, suddenly...shockingly...and it still doesn't seem real.

I don't have the right clothes, I don't go on incredible vacations, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't have a lot of money, I eat Cheetos with a fork and I use the f-word a lot, but I do have some really amazing friends who are so good to me and I have a lot of fun.

2013 could have been better but it wasn't so fucking bad.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

On Being Disposable

I wonder if others feel disposable?
By disposable, I mean, easy to discard or forget.

I'm well aware that friendships and relationships can be cyclical.  There are periods in your life where certain friendships are necessary and then things change and needs change and you evolve and move on to other journeys that require different people in different circumstances.

I am a fraud.  An absolute fraud.
I have you all convinced that I am tough, that nothing can touch me.  I am full of false bravado.  I don't need anyone in my life; I have my books, my dogs and baseball and that's all I need!  I am a liar.  I am just like every woman I've ever silently scorned.
It's not loneliness.  It's more about that feeling that there is something out there that puts you at the top of their list; their highest priority.
Then there are days that I don't want anyone in my face.  I want you to love me but I want you to give me some space.
I want you to WANT to be with me all the time but not be with me all the time.
I want you to wake up thinking about me and go to sleep dreaming of me but I don't want you to smother me with your attentions.
I am the Goldilocks of love.  It's either too soft or too hard.  Too hot or too cold.  I want it JUST RIGHT.
So how do I combat these manic feelings?  For me, I lean to one extreme and pretend that I don't want anything at all.  I try to have casual, physical relationships and yet those don't work for me because I yearn to be valued as a woman...as a human being.

But I've ruined and sabotaged many relationships because
  1. I fear failure so I end it before its inevitable collapse
  2. I am not honest with myself or with the other person
  3. I don't know what the fuck I truly want
  4. I have convinced him that I'm ok with being disposable....and I'm not
I have tried very hard to strike that balance of being free of commitment yet be in a relationship where I feel valued and loved.  I haven't found it.
I feel invisible, ignored and easily cast aside because I don't scream out that I am here.  I don't demand to be noticed.  I don't want to be that kind of woman but obviously it's not working for me.

I don't know what to do except to rid my life of all relationships and continue being happy with my dogs, my books and baseball and do it all alone.

I'm not asking for pity and believe me, I am not one of those women who define themselves by the men in their lives,  I just truly wonder how many feel this way. Am I alone in this too?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Holiday Reflections

As the year comes to a close & I reflect on the moments I experienced, I can't help but think about the main theme of my year: friendship.
I have made some friends & unfortunately lost some friends this year but in all, I was lucky enough to have all of these people in my life at some point.
If we've shared dinner, drinks, tweets, confidences, FB messages, Astros games, texts at 2 am, hotel rooms downtown, cried in bars, whispered about men, commiserated about women, road tripped to Kissimmee, written actual letters, taken pictures we can't allow out in public, molested bears or just shared our lives, I am grateful to you this Holiday season!
Happy Happy Holidays



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hate-Filled Chicken Sandwiches?

A Kansas City News station posted a question on FB asking who would be boycotting Chick-fil-a for their recent public controversy. What followed was a long list of hideous replies all spoken in the name of God and the Bible and a lot of people just missing the point.
My amazing friend,Jessica, left a comment that was just too good to leave on that one FB page, so I stole it and I'm posting it here!
I don't think it matters if you're gay or straight. It's a human issue. I'm so proud of you, Jesh!!
"To ACTIVELY support organizations who want to strip the rights of other human beings is completely unjust. I will not support an organization who wants to exclude LGBT people from civil liberties such as job protection, hospital visitation, inheritance rights, adoptions, and marriage. I don't judge Christians for what they believe. I don't judge straight people for THEIR relationships. This is exactly what Christians do, they judge people who are not like themselves and use a holier than thou attitude. I can't believe some of the things I'm reading on this post. I absolutely cannot believe that some of you are SO backwards. And yes, NOW I'm judging you, because truthfully, you make me sick. I am a PROUD, OUT, gay woman and I'm HUMAN. SHAME on you for judging me and my life. And for the record, it is NOT a choice. How many gays do you think would be gay if they knew they had to put up with the likes of many of you? Not very many."
To be clear to all my friends...if you choose to continue to eat at Chick-fil-a either because you support their views or simply love their delicious chicken sandwiches, I won't judge you.  I fully support your right to believe whatever you want and eat where ever and whatever you want!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Reading Emma

Often said to be Jane Austen's most perfect novel, Emma" is also the perfect read - with a very imperfect - but loveable - heroine...Beautiful, clever and rich, Emma Woodhouse thinks she knows best. She only wants to help others arrange things as she thinks they should be done, and, convinced she's just not destined to find true love herself, she believes she must instead devote herself to playing Cupid for others. But absolutely nothing goes to plan - and in the process, Emma has a lot of learning to do: about others, but most of all about herself...

Discussion question 1:  Jane Austen famously said that Emma was a heroine whom no one but her will much like.  What do you think of Emma?  Do you like her?

You can post comments here or on twitter.  Use #Emma!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Saying Goodbye Is Never An Easy Thing...


This is hard to write because like most people, I start believing that things will always stay the same and the thought of some kind of change seems scary.
However, I’m an adult and I do know that change happens and in order for us to grow, we have to evolve and move on.

As an Astros fan, I’ve had to learn this the hard way.  We grow to love our players and yet, sometimes…a lot of the time…we have to say goodbye to them.  Yes, it can hurt, but we trust in the people running the show that this is for the best.  Didn’t our parents tell us that time and time again as we grew up?

Over the years, we’ve bid farewell to many of our favorites and have wished most of them well (I’m looking at you, Carlos Beltran).

Yesterday, we found out that we’re losing another member of our Astros family.  No, not a player, but someone who changed the way many of us experience baseball.
Alyson Footer is leaving the Astros organization for a pretty sweet national gig with MLB and we do wish her well.  I’m sad that we will have to share her with all the teams but you can’t let someone who literally changed our lives just stay in one place her whole career.

Through Alyson, her Social Media Nights and her Twitter involvement I met a large group of really great people who have enhanced my life in so many ways.
I’m also honored to be able to call Alyson my friend & hope we can continue to share adult beverages together (off the clock of course) even after she moves on.
Because of Alyson & her Social Media phenomenon, I have met baseball players, met Astros GM Jeff Luhnow, road-tripped to Kissimmee for Spring Training with my AstrosTweeps, met my BFF Dave Raymond, attended countless Astroline broadcasts during the off season and have been to more games than I have in my entire life.  You see, before Alyson merged Social Media and Astros baseball, I was just a casual fan; I watched the games, I attended maybe once a month and I read a few baseball articles here and there. 
Now, the AstrosTweeps and I are immersed in it.  We live and breathe Astros baseball and we couldn’t be happier!

Astros fan were so lucky to have her as long as we did.  Now, our fairy godmother has to move on to change the lives of other baseball fans but her work here will never be forgotten.

Alyson Footer brought baseball closer to us all, and in doing so she brought us all closer together.


Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami

I finished this book around 10pm last night and as I put it down, I thought to myself, "I need to stop reading Murakami because I don't know what the hell just happened in this book." The thing is, that's what happens in all the books I read by Murakami; I never know what the hell is going on but for some reason, that's ok. Haruki Murakami has this bizarre way of writing that is so captivating and so lyrical that you can't stop, even if you realize you're reading about a talking sheep. I mean, what the hell? I wrote something similar about Kafka On the Shore but I guess sometimes, even in books, it's not about the destination but the journey. All at once, this book is a hard-boiled detective novel, a fantasy adventure, a shining example of postmodern literature and a commentary on modern Japanese culture. To describe Murakami's writing as "quirky" would be an understatement. It's bizarre but at the same time, it's charming and engaging. I surprise myself by hungering to read another one of his novels but this is a journey I'm not quite ready to give up.